|"We love you! Where's our food?"|
Don't get me wrong; mothers absolutely deserve to be honored. If anything, setting aside one measly day out of the whole year is insultingly inadequate. The one day thing is strictly a shoddy excuse for parasitic profiteers to cash in.
Well, I'm here to cash in!
Sure, you could order some flowers. I'll bet your mom would take a lot of comfort and satisfaction in knowing that she raised someone who is incapable of coming up with an original thought. Plus, I'm sure she's a huge fan of watching dead things rot.
You could also order some candy-coated strawberries from Shari's Berries. There's no doubt that they're delicious... and available at any number of local bakeries near you that don't have an 800 number and a computerized shipping department.
Then there's Daryl's Barrels (your mom might make you some pickels!) and Roger's Personal Massagers, two companies I totally made up.
But why mess with the rest when you can go straight to the best; Clark's Marks! Here's how it works:
- You give me $20
- I scribble on your mom with a Sharpie
|This one is called The Rocky Balboa. It looks like mom went 15 rounds with Apollo Creed and Clubber Lang! Hey, mom, eye of the tiger! Ha ha ha!|
|Remember the Little Rascals? Mom might. If so, she might enjoy The Petey! How should I know?|
|I call this one The Ziggy Stardust. Wham! Bam! Thank you, mom!|
|This one is The Ultimate Warrior or The John Randle or The Gene Simmons or The Batman. It's literally nothing but me scribbling on some poor woman's face. I don't feel good about it. It's still $20 though.|