Monday, November 19, 2012

Today's guest author: Marissa Rapier

Today, we're hearing from Marissa Rapier, known fondly around here as The Pride Of Kankakee. You can find her Marissisms at her site, Marissology. She hasn't been writing as much lately, but she found time to share with us a tale of sexy, sexy footwear!

Kankakinky Boots

What started as a simple online shopping venture for over the knee boots turned into an entirely different, sordid adventure.

Being blessed with wonderful attributes like great hair (I am a Leo. It is my crowning glory), bodacious tatas -- OK, big boobs and maybe not so awesome now, and a relatively round rump, I am a walking testament to the phrase, “what the Lord giveth; the Lord taketh away.” My fabulosity ends at the hip. Meaning, I have tree trunk legs riddled with relief map varicose veins. That being said, I try to spare the world from viewing and myself from embarrassment by never wearing shorts, mini skirts, etc… You get the picture, right?

As stated before, I was on a quest to find flat heeled, over the knee black boots that could be worn with leggings and a tunic, skirts that come to the knee. Not only would they hide my heinous gams, they would protect them from the wicked winds of the wintery Midwest.

What I learned in this quest was that most over the knee boots are not for the faint of heart or weak ankled. The same results would have shown if I Google searched “Pirate Hooker Boots.” Apparently, Lady Gaga, pole dancers, porn actresses, hookers, and drag queens mostly purchase this category of footwear. The bonus to the product being a drag queen staple is that size 11 women’s shoe is widely available. Go me! The downside is that the heel is a minimum of 5 inches with a platform. I am a smidgen shy of being 6 feet tall.

Do you see my dilemma? Platform boots are not only impractical for my purposes, they would potentially make people question if I am a man dressed as a woman or something straight out of a B movie featuring Amazons from outer space.

I scrolled through the page of the online catalog, which shall remain nameless. Oh my!! Hot pink, purple, silver, cobalt, bronze, gold, go-go white, shiny black over the knee hooker boots! Imagine what I could do with those suckers.

Imagine is precisely what you’ll have to do because I didn’t buy them. Instead of hiding my legs, I sought out treatment for the unsightly veins and the process will begin in the next month or so. I’m terrifically thrilled as I watched my mother and father both suffer from the often-excruciating agony of the condition. My father developed ulcers on his leg that were deep and enormous. His legs were blackish purple below the knee. I have looked at my own situation thinking I would suffer the same fate. Alas, the miracle of science spares me from continued discomfort. Already at the age of 47 small ulcers have materialized on my left leg. I am a prime candidate for laser treatment. The Frankenstein cutting and stripping of the veins are a thing of the past.

OK, so maybe when my confidence level is through the roof I’ll don a pair of those hot silver knee high boots and a mini skirt and Clark’s white puffy shirt *wink*. Let the world look at me as if I work for an escort service. Looking is free of charge!

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