Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Clark to the rescue!

The joke you want to make is right there.
Go ahead, take it.
You're welcome.
 As the fracas over conservative radio talk show pundit Rush Limbaugh's disparaging remarks continues, my thoughts are with those who are truly suffering as a result: his former sponsors.
Those poor big companies, suddenly finding themselves with all this extra advertising budget money. What the hell are they supposed to do now?
Well, don't worry everyone. I happen to have a big, dumb, purple blog right here, almost completely devoid of advertising. Sure, I am trying to sell you a book over there on the side and there might be a banner ad floating around near the bottom (I try to avoid going down there; it's icky). But aside from that, we're wide open! And being as there is no overtly discernible socio-political agenda (or even a coherent point) to this whole enterprise, it's not limited in terms of demographics!

Just look below and see how this blog is an absolutely ideal match for just some of the sponsors that have (so far) fled bailed ejected reconsidered their options...

•Bare Escentuals - Every single reader of this blog spends several minutes a week naked and as a group, are relatively tolerant of egregious spelling errors. No brainer there!

•Sensa Team (Sensa Weight Loss) - Teamwork is important, especially when it comes to weight loss. That is something we're willing to say we stand behind 100% in exchange for money.

• - Buy and sell vitamins online? Of course! How else would you buy and sell vitamins, dumbass?

•AOL - I remember when AOL was the internet. Everybody used it and almost everybody complained about it. Just like Facebook now. Except Facebook is free. Which is dumber, complaining about a free service or paying for a service that you complain about? Here, have a CD.

•Carbonite - If you saw this and immediately thought of a frozen Han Solo in "The Empire Strikes Back", give me a high five. Unfortunately, that's not what this is. So this one may not actually be a good fit. Sorry, Carbonite.

•Citrix (which owns - This blog originates from Florida, world renowned for citrus products! This is truly a natural!

•Quicken Loans - Oh man, if you could spot me $50...

•Sleep Number - Exhaustive research has determined that 100% of this blog's readers sleep. And many of them do so in beds. A bed that can be made more comfortable by using math? Sounds crazy to me but go get 'em, Sleep Number!

•Legal Zoom - This implies that the service offered is legal assistance rendered quickly. That, or they issue legal documents blown up on a copier so they're easy to read. Either way, I don't think this is a service my readers can live without.

•Sleep Train Mattress - Uh-oh, two sleep accessory providers? I guess we can make that work, since apparently this one caters to people who travel primarily by rail. All aboard (heh heh)!

•Pro Flowers - Damn right, Pro Flowers. Save that amateur shit for the flower olympics. Boom.

•Tax Resolution - Well, who doesn't think that whatever this is, it's a damn good idea?

•Bonobos - I will readily admit that I've never heard of this and that I am too lazy to Google it. It sounds like little chocolate donuts made by the lead singer of U2, but considering it was advertised on The Rush Limbaugh Show, I doubt that's correct. Still, I'm sure it's (they're?) delicious.

So, think it over, potential corporate sponsors. Obviously, I've demonstrated that I'm familiar with what you have to offer and I'm completely up to speed on what you're looking for from a media outlet (you're selling something or other, right?). While you're thinking about where to spend this sudden, unexpected budget surplus, please take into consideration that I would never call anyone a slut or a prostitute as a joke, a means of illustrating "the absurd with absurdity" so to speak. No, the only reason I can think of that I would ever need to do that would be as an immature and highly inappropriate way of addressing my own douche-nozzle inadequacies by reflecting a deep-seated hatred of all women.
Thanks, fellas!


Ruprecht said...

Michael <------- no wants to try Bonobos with his coffee

Hi Rupe said...

I thought Bonobos was maybe one of those natural alternatives to Viagra's "Sob o'nob"