Monday, October 12, 2015

Happy Not Columbus Day!

Well, since it's (what is still currently known as) Columbus Day, I was going to tell the story about Mrs. Reed, my third grade social studies teacher, defending the reputation of Christopher Columbus by summarily executing Santa Claus, but it looks like I've already shared that tale here three times, each time thinking I was covering new territory. A mere nine-plus years into this and I'm repeating myself repeating myself. What a jackass.

Today is Columbus Day, at least in most places. But there's a growing movement to change the name to "Indigenous Peoples' Day", a step already taken in Albuquerque, New Mexico, St. Paul, Minnesota and Portland, Oregon among others. Without even Googling this story and drilling down to the comments, I know there are certain heads out there just about to spin right off of their shoulders. They're frothing about how political correctness is just ruining everything and how it's a slippery slope that will result in renaming streets and schools after someone who didn't spread venereal diseases and commit genocide. Plus, their nerves are probably frayed because they never even got around to using the phrase "Native Americans" and now they're expected to learn some totally new word they can't even pronounce.

I'd like to address the following to those people.

Listen, to the extent that change-for-the-sake-of-change is obnoxious and annoying and nobody likes it, you have a point. However, when it's a case of correcting errors, you don't. The people you call Indians have no connection to India. Columbus, was, at best, a total incompetent who didn't discover shit. There's nothing wrong with finding out that something you believed turned out not to be accurate and then correcting it going forward.
Ironically enough...

And one day out of the year, a holiday which doesn't even merit dressing up in some kind of stupid ethnic stereotype costume and getting wasted to celebrate it, to honor the people who happened to live on this particular above-water chunk of dirt first, simply isn't that big of a deal. Historical accuracy, a modest display of respect and up to 20% off at Macy's and other retailers. Sounds good enough to me.

BONUS BLOG POST: Something nice!

Hey, remember our ol' pal Jessie Stehlik? In addition to her role as antagonist/ally in the legendary Muffinquest adventure, she also did the Pablo Ferro-esque titles, the front and back covers and the chapter illustrations for my now officially award-winning book. She was recently interviewed by our relatively new pal Sandi Everleth on the subject of making connections. Two nice people, talking about nice things. Check out the podcast by clicking these words right here!
And just look how happy Jessie is that I pop up in it!

Regularly scheduled not-quite-so-nice blog post coming later today.

Friday, October 09, 2015

Political correctness: Ruining America since 1950

Yep. This kind of destructive rhetoric from an illegal alien is the exact reason why people need to vote for Donald Trump. Or Lex Luthor.

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

An ethical gimmick

"ST. PETERSBURG — The owner of a Florida media company said Monday that radio host Bubba The Love Sponge Clem tried to influence the listening habits of a person who was participating in a ratings survey.
In a statement, Beasley Media said Clem was contacted directly by someone who had a ratings device to measure listening habits. Nielsen calculates its ratings by putting listening devices that resemble pagers on people.
The Beasley statement said Clem and his staff must undergo ratings compliance training." - Gainesville Sun, October 5, 2015
WALTER: Okay, welcome to Ratings Compliance Training. My name is Walter Mermud from the AC Nielsen company and I'll admit right up front that I don't really teach this course very often. Frankly, I've never taught it before. In fact, nobody has ever taught it before. There's usually just no need for it. Kind of a common sense thing when it comes to anybody who conducts themselves ethically, I guess. In light of certain recent events, however, your employer has determined that it's necessary so here we are. Let me verify that everyone who is supposed to be here is actually present and we'll begin. Todd Clem?
BUBBA: It's Bubba, legally, since 1999. And here.
WALTER: My sheet says "Todd"...
BUBBA: Bubba!
WALTER: Okay then. Manson?
MANSON: (in a different voice) Here.
WALTER: You already answered
BUBBA: He's a different guy sometimes. They're both here.
WALTER: All right then. 25 Cent?
25 CENT: (sighs) Yeah.
WALTER: Is that really your name, legally? You know what, never mind. It doesn't matter. Let's get started so we can get out of here. Now, the key thing to know about Ratings Compliance is that you should simply not interfere in any way with the process of gathering ratings. That's really all there is... Mr. Clem, what are you doing?
BUBBA: Huh? Oh, I'm trying to smash this pager gimmick open to see what's inside of it.
WALTER: That's one of our portable people meters and you shouldn't even have one, let alone try to open it for any reason.
BUBBA: Yeah, but I'm not doing it for ratings. I'm doing it to see if there's anything to eat inside.
WALTER: It's an electronic device! There's nothing edible about it! Where did you get it?
BUBBA: My lawyers gave it to me.
WALTER: My understanding is your lawyers aren't lawyers anymore.
BUBBA: Exactly. So it's all good. From a ethical gimmick.
WALTER: Please just put that down.
BUBBA: Here, 25. You and Manson open this up and see if there's some candy inside.
25 CENT: Anything you say, Bubba!
BUBBA: Get Ned to help you guys.
MANSON: Yes sir! (as Ned) Yes sir!
WALTER: I said to stop doing that!
BUBBA: You told me to put it down and I did. You didn't tell those three guys. Ethically, we're covered.
WALTER: There are only two guys and I want everyone to stop trying to...
25 CENT: Ooh! We got it! This looks like a battery!
BUBBA: Gimme that!
WALTER: Did you... did you just eat a battery?
BUBBA: Mmph? (with mouth full) That wasn't me, that was Mike Calta.
WALTER: Mr. Clem, I just saw you put a battery in your mouth.
BUBBA: (swallows hard) No sir. I don't currently have a delicious battery in my mouth any more right now. You're thinking of Mike Calta. Plus, I'm not sure it was a battery. It didn't taste like one. (puts shattered remains of portable people meter in his mouth) Mmm, crunchy!
MANSON: Technically, he's telling the truth!
25 CENT: Hurray! He's not guilty! We still have jobs!
BUBBA: I knew I'd be exonerated! The people have spoken! Court gimmick dismissed!
WALTER: Fine. Whatever. Please just sign these forms stating that you've completed the training and... and you're ignoring me and just walking right out. I'll sign off on these I guess.

Monday, October 05, 2015

Halloween costume ideas for 2015, some inspired by Facebook status updates!

Halloween is almost upon us. Time to slut it up! Or come up with a creative costume to hide your face and express yourself. But that requires so much more brain use than simply slutting it up. God!!

Here's an idea: let your Facebook timeline do your thinking for you! You're staring at it all day anyway. Have your "Friends®" tell you what to do via telling you what they're doing!

Here are actual updates from my® timeline and the costume ideas they inspirated.

"So I rescued this little bat this morning. He or she is taking a little rest while we wait for the rescue lady to come check him out. His head is about the size of a dime."

  1. Find a bat.
  2. Make him bite you (this should be easy, especially if you rub yourself all over with some rotting fruit).
  3. Assume the radioactive powers of the Bat and patrol the night streets of Golem City! Or become a baby Dracula with a dime-sized head. 
  4. Trickety Treat!
"Roaring Lions, Spinning Wheels, Are You Ready For Thrills and Chills?"
  1. It's a game or something.
  2. I don't know.

"Dear train conductor who felt the need to blast the horn a gazillion times at 1:30 am and again at 6am waking my kids, but especially me, I thank you. It's bad enough they were all up at different times during the night yet the times they were actually asleep you came thru our little town."
  1. Label an inflatable sex doll to represent what it is that annoyed you. In this case, "Safety of others; specifically motorists and pedestrians who might benefit from knowing that a train was coming".
  2. Have angry, violent sex with it.
  3. Repeat a gazillion times or until someone shoots you in the face.
  4. Knock knock! Who's there? Candy!


"Late lunch today. Burger lettuce wrap."
  1. Stand in the middle of some green fabric.
  2. Turn around in a circle as many times as it takes for the green fabric be all around you.
  3. You did it right if nobody gives a shit, just like how people reacted to this status update that inspired the concept.
  4. Thick or threat!

You know what? This is harder than I thought it would be. Let's abandon this premise and just go back to slutting it up. Only let's be clever and get all topical and timely with it!

"Get your hands off me...or all over me. Whatever. Halloween!"


Hubba hubba!


Friday, October 02, 2015

Lies and the dumb ass liars who tell them

Rep. Jason Chaffetz (R-UT) questioned Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards in front of the House Oversight Committee on Tuesday. Here's how that went... more or less. I mean you could watch the video of the actual exchange by clicking on this text but the following loosely interpreted transcription pretty much gives you the gist.

RICHARDS: None of the dollars you are discussing are federal dollars and the Planned Parenthood Federation of America receives almost no federal dollars. At this point, only $21 thousand...
CHAFFETZ: (shakes head sadly) You do know that all dollars are federal dollars, right? Only the American government is allowed to print money in America. Private companies can't do that.
RICHARDS: Right, but...
CHAFFETZ: I'm just saying.
RICHARDS: Okay, well...
CHAFFETZ: So it goes to the same organization and you just separate that all out.
RICHARDS: Like any organization that operates with a budget to manage resources? Yeah. We do that. We are highly accountable...
CHAFFETZ: I've gone over my time. I need to show this last slide.
RICHARDS: You keep interrupting me...
CHAFFETZ: I do that a lot. Let's not fixate on it. (gestures to slide) Now, this one I don't understand... part of the challenge is you don't do mammograms!
RICHARDS: I'm sorry, I...
CHAFFETZ: You don't do mammograms, correct? There's, like, one or two places that does them but you don't do mammograms.
RICHARDS: Planned Parenthood is a women's health center...
CHAFFETZ: I suppose you don't sell phone cards either.
RICHARDS: Excuse me?
CHAFFETZ: Phone cards, for when you want to call long distance. 7-Eleven has them but they don't do mammograms, just like you. But at least they sell phone cards. And beef jerky. I checked your corporate report and you have sold exactly zero beef jerky. You're basically operating a 7-Eleven that kills babies instead of selling beef jerky and phone cards! Why should the American taxpayers fund a poorly run convenience store?
RICHARDS: I'm sorry, I don't see the relevance...
CHAFFETZ: Exactly.
RICHARDS: Planned Parenthood is a women's health center. If you need a mammogram, you're referred to a radiological center and that's how women receive their care. And we provide breast exams to... I can get you the numbers of how many hundreds of thousands of women received breast exams at Planned Parenthood last year. It has nothing to do with this slide you're showing me for the first time. I have no idea what it is.
SOURCE: "Slides For Dummies: Liar's Edition"

CHAFFETZ: It's the reduction over the course of years, in pink, because that's boobs, in breast exams and the red, for baby blood, is the increase in abortions! That's what's going on in your organization!
RICHARDS: This is a slide that has never been shown to me before and I'm happy to take a look at it it but it absolutely does not reflect what's happening at Planned Parenthood.
CHAFFETZ: You're going to deny that these are arrows, and that one of them is pointing up while the other is pointing down? Just look at the pointy things on the ends! Those are CLEARLY arrows! I think I've made my point. That being, arrows are pointy and can face any number of directions, including up and down.
RICHARDS: It doesn't feel like we're trying to get to the truth here.
CHAFFETZ: I pulled those numbers directly out of your corporate reports.
RICHARDS: My lawyer is informing me that the source of this is actually Americans United For Life which is an anti-abortion group, so I would check your source.
CHAFFETZ: Ummm, oops?
"Yeah, check your source. Bitch."

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Generation BS

Here's a video that pops up on Facebook fairly often...

What a total load of bullshit.

This and all the related memes where we kiss our own asses and celebrate how kids today are worthless, coddled pussies that aren't even close to being as awesome as those of us who grew up during these super wonderful times in the past are all complete and utter bullshit.

Ask yourself this: If everything was so great then and we all turned out so awesome, then why isn't life like that at all anymore? Why has it changed so drastically? The narrator refers derisively to "today's regulators and bureaucrats". Who the hell does he think those regulators and bureaucrats are? They're us! Or at least the kids we grew up with. We're the adults now. We're supposed to be the ones in charge!

Yeah, sure, it's true we used to play football with our friends, outside in vacant lots and build treehouses and routinely skin our knees and elbows and mostly didn't complain about it. So what happened to us as a result of all this great character building we put ourselves through?
Well, we grew up and now we play fantasy football with strangers online and live in gated, deed-restricted communities where we pay an association to fine the shit out of us if our kids even try to build a treehouse.

We took a foundation forged from people like Teddy Roosevelt, Jackie Robinson and Amelia Earhart and used it to give the world Donald Trump, Alex Rodriguez and Sarah Palin.

I'm not saying kids today aren't worthless, coddled pussies; they are. I'm saying it's probably not their fault. I'm saying it's our fault, those of us who represent Generation Bullshit.

Monday, September 28, 2015

A rootin' tootin' shootin' candidate!

I'm sure she only looks constipated
Do you hate women? Are you tired of veteran benefits being taxed to fund military abortions performed by alien child molesters on imaginary homosexuals, or something? Don't like those slick members of congress with non-husky voices who don't wear blue jeans and cowboy boots, and don't consider The Rush Limbaugh Show to be "enormously influential"?? Of course you do, are and don't! Who doesn't, isn't and does?

Kay Daly is not the answer to all those rhetorical questions but she is the answer to all those problems!

Kay Daly has a plan to solve all the problems, you guys! And a giant-ass gun!
(After watching the video, I'm guessing the plan is to shoot all the problems with a giant-ass gun)
Why not?
She's perfect!

Too bad she's completely unsuitable to actually occupy a position of leadership, though. You know, on account of her being fundamentally flawed by virtue of having a vagina (presumably).