Wednesday, February 10, 2016

That was SOME halftime show!

Not only did the Super Bowl, which is apparently an actual sentient being now, let Beyoncé tell everyone to hate the police but the same half time "show" was used to make people turn gay!
Is it ironic that the same people working so hard to find these hidden themes frequently complain about other people being overly sensitive? No? Okay then.
Look at those rainbows. Look at them! Wait, I mean don't look at them. DON'T look! Shit. Too late. You're gay now. I'm sorry.

That's all right. If it's that easy to be turned gay, it stands to reason that it's just as easy to be flipped back. And since it's the rainbow colors that turn you gay, it also stands to reason that absence of color will make you straight.

Well, that's a simple fix! Just start a regimen of classic black and white MGM musicals and you'll be back to normal in no time. Because I think we all know that there's nothing gay about Judy Garland movies.
Judy with the c-block

Monday, February 08, 2016

My review of the grand and glorious spectacle of Super Bowl 50


I didn't watch it.
Sorry.

Please don't misinterpret this as "hating" (more about that later). Football's not my favorite sport but I do enjoy a cartoonishly over-the-top spectacle as much as anyone and I don't want to try to crap on anyone's enjoyment of the big game. If you watched it and enjoyed, it that's great! The Super Bowl has been more than just a football game for a long time now and I don't have a problem with that in itself, but for me, it's taken on such a life of its own that if I don't have a rooting stake in the game, I'm not interested in watching it. Here's why...

THE COMMERCIALS

It's not because they were better when blah blah blah, it's because the people who make them have become aware of just how big a spectacle the Super Bowl is and how big a part of that the commercials are. More than half the fun of these ads was being surprised by something funny, clever or (ideally) both. Now, you can watch all of them a week ahead of time. Talk about a spoiler.

THE HALFTIME SHOW

It doesn't matter who it is and what songs they play, people are going to hate it. Even if the you enjoy the show itself, listening to semi-professional haters who don't know the difference between snark and actual wit and who think they ARE the show weigh in on why it sucks is a complete downer and not worth it. You really want to avoid Twitter during this time. It's all the shitty people who feel it necessary to chime in during awards shows PLUS shitty sports fans PLUS shitty music critics forming an unholy and really shitty alliance. This applies to all aspects of the game but really comes out during the halftime show. It's really tedious and tiresome.

THE GAME ITSELF

Like I said, I'm not much of a football fan. That's fine if you are, but even the most diehard football fan has to admit that the championship game is a dud more often than not. More so than in any other sport, pro football's championship game is rarely as exciting as whole handfuls of games played during the regular season. I'm a hometown guy, though. That means if the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are in it, I'll get excited and make a point of watching. That also means I'm not liable to get excited and make a point of watching any time real soon.

Friday, February 05, 2016

Tickets available NOW!

Hi there!
Two plugs in one day?
Yep. It's double plug day. But this kind of qualifies as breaking news...

Tickets for the next round of the tournament at Side Splitters are AVAILABLE NOW.
The reason that's breaking news is because it just happened. It's important enough to merit a second blog post because the last round sold out and people were actually turned away. The same thing is liable to happen again this time.
Don't be this buffoon.
Also, when you buy your tickets on line (link below), you can use my initials (CB) as a promo code and unlock the obscenely low price of just $5. You can't see a single Star War for that!

2015 Tampa Bay Comedy Tournament Elite 8 Part I
"We began the tournament with 64 comedians.  Now we are down to the Elite 8!  Tonight's show will have twosets of competitors facing off for your votes to move on to the Final 4.   The comedians will be working hard for your votes for a chance to compete in the finals for cash and gigs on the road!"

Tonight's competitors:

Clark Brooks vs. Kyle Ruse
Jeff Jones v. Jeremy Hittel
Sunday, February 21
7:00 PM
Side Splitters Comedy Club
12938 N. Dale Mabry, Tampa



Once more unto the breach, dear friends

Over the years, I've used this blog to chronicle my own personal efforts to fight cancer. I've tried to have some fun and hopefully entertain with these exploits but it's not without losing focus on the big issue, which is lending support to those fighting the monstrous disease itself. Whether it's people with it, their families and friends or buffoons like me, I feel like we're on the same team, using the weapons at our disposal. My weapon of choice is fun.

It's been a while since I've campaigned for a muffin to be named after me and even longer since I've been the captain of a Relay For Life team but the battle rages on, unfortunately. Un-unfortunately, I've been invited to participate in an event that will once again use fun as a weapon.

Saturday evening, I'll be hosting a fundraising event at Side Splitters here in Tampa that will benefit Relay For Life in East Tampa.
 It's only $10, with the proceeds benefiting the cause. Plus (and these are some pretty sweet pluses), you'll have a chance to win tickets to see Katt Williams at the USF Sun Dome later the same night. Also, somebody is going to walk away with a hockey stick autographed by Steven Stamkos.

with Spanky Brown and Johnny Beehner
Saturday, February 6
6:00 PM (cocktails and reception at 4:30)
12938 N. Dale Mabry, Tampa

Come. Laugh. Fight cancer.

PS: It's my birthday. That's not what the event is about but that's a fact.

Thursday, February 04, 2016

Whoops! Rapers denied


AN UPDATE REGARDING YESTERDAY'S ENTRY:
"I can no longer guarantee the safety or privacy of the men who want to attend on February 6, especially since most of the meet-ups can not be made private in time. While I can’t stop men who want to continue meeting in private groups, there will be no official Return Of Kings meet-ups. The listing page has been scrubbed of all locations. I apologize to all the supporters who are let down by my decision." - Daryush Valizadeh, 36, founder of Return Of Kings, a men's right advocacy group comprised of would-be rapists 

See, they were concerned about their safety. The idea that someone might attack them and cause them serious harm terrified them and now they're forced to alter their plans out of self preservation.
PICTURED: Irony, in the form of a thick, sweet, delicious cake.
Oh well. You know what they say: "The best laid plans of mice and men who can't get laid often go awry”, Or something like that.

Presumably, the group's regular meetings will proceed in the usual places as is standard procedure.
At a public park or interstate highway rest stop near you.

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

An event I am NOT hyping

(WARNING: Actual participants not nearly as adorable as those pictured)

I know I've been using this space a lot to plug my comedy show appearances, so the fact that I'm writing about an upcoming event is not unusual. But in this case, I'm not suggesting you attend, I'm merely informing you that this exists because I'm kind of blown away that it does.


International Tribal Meetup Day
for followers of the "Return of Kings" blog, written by Daryush Valizadeh, an advocate for "men's rights" and a proponent for legalizing rape who refers to women as "the enemy".
(No links to the source material because I have no interest in contributing to any increase in that site's traffic, but here's an article about it. Feel free to Google it if you want more info but don't blame/credit me. And take a shower afterward.)
Saturday, February 6, 8:00 PM
Curtis Hixon Park, Tampa

That's right, the creepy guys who usually congregate in the woods or in public restrooms are coming out into the daylight... for a little while. There, they will approach one other and exchange passwords, like a couple of spies in a movie...

In this case, the exchange is as follows:
"Do you know where I can find a pet shop?"
"Yes it's right here." (The organizers actually included instructions to not go to a pet shop, like they're dumbasses who might forget about raping, deciding to go buy a gerbil instead)
After which, they scurry off to the real, secret location of their circle-jerk/"bitches ain't shit" rally.

They're taking all these security measures because in spite of this being something they sincerely believe in, these shittly little cowards are afraid of being exposed in public for it.

Now, I can't go to Curtis Hixon Park on Saturday because I have previously scheduled engagements that day. But if I could, I would go down there and when I got asked "Do you know where I can find a pet shop?", I would reply (loudly), "HEY, THIS GUY WANTS DIRECTIONS TO THE PRO RAPE MEETING! DOES ANYBODY KNOW WHERE THE PRO-RAPISTS ARE GATHERING? HEY, WHERE ARE ALL THE RAPISTS GETTING TOGETHER TO BITCH ABOUT BITCHES AND MAYBE DO SOME RAPIN'?"
Because, you know, I like to help.
I'd also take lots and lots and lots and lots of pictures and share them online. I think that would be a different kind of helpful.

This is also supposed to happen in several different areas, not just in Tampa. If you're so inclined, you might want to find out if one of these is scheduled near you so you can help too! Or at least know where a good chunk of your local rape fans are so you can avoid that area.

Monday, February 01, 2016

Friday, January 29, 2016

How I'm spending my birthday this year

Yep, my birthday is coming up. Next Saturday as a matter of fact. And how am I spending my special day? I'm soooo glad you asked! I'm doing two things...

THING #1: Storm Cheerleader tryouts

"Are you auditioning to be a cheerleader, Clark?" Ha ha! No. You jackass. No, I'm going to be a judge, assisting in selecting the squad for the Tampa Bay Storm, our local Arena Football League team! I did this last year and that looked a lot like this...


I'm not qualified to judge dancing and tumbling and such but I'm awesome when it comes to interview questions. I sure hope the young ladies are up on theology and military history because those are two areas I plan to hit hard. I also have some suggestions for a halftime show with a Battle of Antietam theme, so there's a natural tie-in. I think Storm fans will really enjoy that.

From there, it's off to...

THING #2: Hosting "Humor to Help", a fundraiser to benefit RELAY FOR LIFE
Sorry, you can't join me for Thing #1, but you can totally come out for Thing #2, which is a comedy show with Spanky Brown and Johnny Beehner to raise money to benefit the American Cancer Society's Relay for Life. It's only $10 and there's an opportunity to win tickets to see Katt Williams at the Sun Dome later that same night! Laugh, fight cancer, laugh some more and help me celebrate my birthday? That's a pretty sweet dea, if I say so myself! And who else would I be saying it for? Exactly.