Friday, March 27, 2015

Stand-up update: save the date!

(WARNING: What follows is a gratuitous plug. Sorry.)

Hey there.
I've been sharing my schedule of open mic appearances but there's one I'd like to highlight...

Sunday, May 17, 2015 - 9:00PM
Side Splitters, Tampa
12938 North Dale Mabry Highway
Tampa, FL 33618

This will be a special night for me for a couple of reasons. One, it will be my first time at Side Splitters which is my favorite comedy club. I've seen so many great shows there over the years, it will be a real thrill to perform there. Two, I think my act and performance will be polished enough to really merit sharing it with people I like and respect (you). Meaning, I should be better at this show than I have been at previous ones. Of course, if you think I suck and you hope I bomb, it is a live performance and any number of things could go horribly wrong so you might still be in luck.
So basically, this is an invitation to share what should be a special night with me and/or this is an invitation to watch me eat it on a grand scale. Don't feel obligated to let me know which side you're on. As long as you show up, it doesn't really matter.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Despotic fascism never tasted so good!

This would be funnier if it wasn't coming from another global corporation that rakes in billions of dollars through the sale of shitty "food", but oh well. Make my dystopia to go!

Monday, March 23, 2015

Out sick

No "real" blog post today, just this brief note to tell you that.. well, there's no "real" blog post today. I'm sick with a crazy fever and have been fading back and forth between levels of lucidity and coherence. Also, every part of my body that can produce some sort of liquid seems to be in competition with each other to see who can make the most come out of the most unique orifices. The fever part is kind of neat though; I think Santa Claus and some monster clowns came over yesterday after I had turned into a little girl. That was pretty cool, if it happened.
Also, a single cup of Jell-o makes me feel bloated like Thanksgiving dinner, which is interesting.
Anywho, back to bed I go.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Your pre-eclipse guide to freaking out

"This is the Earth's first — and only — total solar eclipse of the year and the first one since November 2013, NASA reports. The next total solar eclipse in the USA will be in August 2017." -
Before you freak out, understand that it's not even going to be visible in the United States, which basically means it doesn't even count as a real eclipse. If this had been an actual eclipse, you would have been able to expect the following...

  • Try to tune into local radio emergency broadcasts, as if any would be able to still be on the air, idiot.
  • Bang pots and pans to scare away demons and giant, mythical bears, dragons, dogs, jaguars and turtles trying to eat the sun.
  • Prepare for disasters and destruction.
  • Keep all pregnant women indoors.
  • Don't eat anything, as food prepared during an eclipse is poisonous and impure.
  • Declare yourself Ni-Kjel-Ba'ack, harbinger of doom and master of ancient serpents. 
  • Increase your number of followers as Ni-Kjel-Ba'ack by wearing a sweet amulet.
  • Make pregnant women wear red pants so as to prevent them from giving birth to deranged Moon Beetles.
Again, as stated above, none of these measures will be necessary as this is taking place in Whogivesashitland, which is far, far way from America.

There will, however be a correspondent supermoon, which will be visible everywhere that is currently moon-eligible (if your sky normally has a moon in it, you will be getting a supermoon). Please do this...
What does this have to do with the supermoon? Nothing. I never said it did. Relax, it's just a big moon. What are you afraid of. Calm down. Geez.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Not exactly 'Santaland Diaries' but as close as I've got

I think this blog has been a little too current events-y as of late and that means it hasn't been very funny, because current events aren't funny, Let's take a step back. Let's take lots of steps back, all the way back to my third grade social studies class at Lybrook Elementary, home of the Beavers!

There I was, eight-years-old, sitting in Mrs. Reed's class and she was telling us all about Christopher Columbus and how he discovered America. 
"I've done it! I've discovered America! I am the man!"

She was talking about how brave he was because back then, people thought the Earth was flat and if you sailed to the horizon you would just fall right off the edge. 
"Gyah! Reverse! Hit the brakes!"

We found that hilarious, "Ha ha ha! How stupid people must have been back in the old days!" Mrs. Reed explained that it's not that they were stupid and that sometimes people just happen to share a belief that has yet to be disproved. 

“For example”, she said, “how old were you when you found out that Santa Claus isn't real?” Suddenly eyes widened around the classroom as 30 little individuals silently experienced existential horror for the first time. 

"Well gee, Mrs. Reed, what time is it right this exact minute?"

Of course, none of us wanted to admit that we were finding out for the first time that the very foundation of our carefully cultivated belief system, the primary philosophy upon which we based our behavior and how we dealt with our fellow man, was based entirely on a web of lies foisted upon us by our parents. Thus we were introduced to not only the concept of conspiracy theories (suddenly, so many things actually made sense!) but also the fundamentally unhealthy practice of hiding our true feelings behind a facade of affected indifference. 
"Yeah, I knew all along that shit wasn't real.
What? No, I have NOT been crying!"

It’s interesting to note that at no point did she bother to explain that Columbus didn't discover shit, that he never actually set foot in or even saw what we know as America, because he basically got lost and when he finally arrived somewhere, he thought it was fucking India, plus all the rape and the disease and the slavery and the genocide. 
"Okay, maybe I'm not the man but I am a person of interest."

She didn't think it was at all important to even mention any of that, choosing instead to assassinate Santa Claus and make us bear witness. Is it any wonder why I hated school? 

The first time I ever told this story was on The Spike On The Mic Show, a moment that was captured and preserved, along with other hilariously awful childhood memories from everyone else on the show, on a "Best Of..." compilation. If you don't listen to the show (and if not, for the love of God, why?) or if you just want some kind of a souvenir that you can actually hold in your hand as well as listen to, either let me know or go to and we'll get you one.

Monday, March 16, 2015

I have birthdays coming up, and some of you are gonna be in big trouble

  • Basketball TV announcer Dick Vitale planted a big wet smooch on Ashley Judd yesterday. He's 75, she's hot.
  • In 2003, 60-something-years-old Joe Namath tried to make out with sideline reporter Suzy Kolber during a televised football game.
  • In 2013, a 73-year-old Brent Musburger slobbered (verbally) all over Alabama quarterback A.J. McCarron's girlfriend Katherine Webb during the national championship game.
Yeah, my latest birthday was just last month, but I have more coming up (hopefully) and each one brings me closer to that magical age, the age when I can be a crazy old man who can do whatever
I want (even more so than I do now). And as much as I love the Indiana Jones movies, I promise you I'm far more inclined to emulate the behavior of the old perverts listed above than I am to go around crashing airplanes. 
Consider yourselves warned.

Friday, March 13, 2015

That's admirable. I guess.

"Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only. Fashion is in the sky, in the street, fashion has to do with ideas, the way we live, what is happening." - - Coco Chanel
"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." - - Oscar Wilde
Actor, comedian and TV personality Kathy Griffin has resigned from her role as one of the hosts of E!'s Fashion Police, due in large part to her objection to the show's tendency to criticize people (celebrities) for their physical appearance. Here's her "resignation" as posted on Twitter:

Well, good for her. She's choosing to give up what is probably a pretty lucrative gig because she's taking a personal stand against a form of bullying. That is an admirable thing to do and most of us wouldn't have the guts to do it.
Of course, one has to wonder what she was really expecting when she signed on to do the show in the first place. I've never seen the show but when I see the title "Fashion Police" and this is the first photo to pop up in a Google search...

... I know exactly what the show is all about; bitchy people sitting around and making mean and shitty little comments about what people look like, for the smug satisfaction of the audience at home, many of whom are soaking up the snark as they dribble ice cream down the front of their Eeyore pajamas. This kind of show exists to tear people down and there is not a lot of meaningful feedback and encouragement forthcoming. They're the Fashion Police, everybody! Did Kathy Griffin really think she'd be able to somehow infuse a show like this with "intelligent humor" and be "smart, irreverent and unafraid in an observational way that is candid, honest and justified" when it exists for the sole purpose of ridiculing people for the way they look? I mean, she did pose for this cast photo...
You kinda have to figure she knew what she had signed up for.
It's still impressive that she took a stand based on her personal convictions and beliefs, though. So, you know, good for her. Like I said, most of us wouldn't have the guts to do likewise. It would be great if most of us just had the guts to not make it profitable to have shows like "Fashion Police" on the air.